There’s a subtle and important difference between being nice and being kind. In the American South, we’re very good at being nice. We say things like Bless His Heart, we open doors for other people, and we say sir and ma’am. The problem is, being nice doesn’t cost anything; it’s a surface-level interaction. In the context of the American South, it’s also highly likely that niceness is meanness in disguise. Bless His Heart is often an insult wrapped in nice words. Social media is also a great place to find examples of niceness. Kindness, on the other hand, is deeper, meaningful, and difficult. Being kind means sacrificing comfort to have difficult conversations. Being kind means putting the needs of others above our own. Niceness is about us, ensuring our comfort and hoping that it causes others to like us. Kindness is about others, setting proper expectations and providing appropriate, honest feedback.
Nice vs Kind Managers
New managers often fall into the trap of being nice to their direct reports rather than kind. What’s the difference between a nice manager and a kind manager? Nice managers need every interaction with their subordinates to be emotionally positive; they avoid any topics that might be uncomfortable for either party. The goal of a nice manager is to avoid conflict and keep everyone happy so that everyone will like them. When a direct report asks for time off, rather than looking at the calendar pragmatically, the nice manager may either approve the request because they want to please the employee or give a passive-aggressive response effectively asking the employee to withdraw the request. In short, nice managers lack the ability to be the bad guy, to tell uncomfortable truths, or to actually facilitate employee growth. They are more concerned with themselves and their likability than with the employee’s future.
One of the nicest managers I’ve ever had was also the worst
One of the nicest managers I’ve ever had was also the worst. Rather than being honest with employees about their performance or attitudes, this manager, we’ll call him Albert, tried to sugarcoat everything. I left meetings with him confused about how he felt about my performance; anything that could have been negative was tiptoed around and couched in such flowery language as to be indecipherable. Once, Albert visited my office, which was located within another department, and said that some of the other employees were questioning what I worked on. I asked point blank if he had questions about what I spent my day working on, and he took a lot of time reassuring me that he didn’t. But then he immediately asked me what he should tell the other employees. This wasn’t a unique experience. I often heard about problems with my performance from co-workers who heard it from someone else. When confronted with the rumours about how he really felt about my work, Albert would hem and haw around the subject, leaving me frustrated, angry, and ultimately looking for another job. Albert wasn’t trying to be a bad manager. He was, and is, a legitimately nice person. He cares about how other people feel, but he can’t see that making them feel better in the moment is making them miserable in the long run.
Repeating the pattern of nice mistakes
Sadly, I made a similar nice mistake with an employee early on in my management career. Let’s call this employee Steve. Steve was great at his job but struggled when working with others. He would take over projects, make other employees feel bad about their skills, and leave his team demoralised. I had heard complaints from his teammates, but in our one on one meetings I shied away from discussing his struggles with teamwork. Instead I praised him for his work ethic and skills. When I did gather up the courage to be uncomfortable, I would hem and haw, just like Albert had done with me. I laboured under the belief that it was my job to keep Steve happy, although I didn’t realise that I was sacrificing the long-term health of both him and the team for the sake of avoiding an uncomfortable meeting. I was also making the rest of the team miserable. Ultimately, he became restless and unhappy enough to pursue another job opportunity. I repeated the same management mistakes I had experienced as an employee. In hindsight, I wish I had known the difference between nice and kind.
A much kinder manager
Kind managers realise that their job isn’t to be friends with their direct reports, but to help them be the best version of themselves and get the job done. Of course, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t friendly, and it doesn’t preclude them from being friends. However, it does mean not hesitating to give bad news or correction. Often it means having uncomfortable conversations or giving direct reports what they need before thinking about what we need. For example, it’s more important for a direct report to know about a shortcoming they need to address than for us to be comfortable. Kind managers have developed the skill of giving negative feedback tactfully and in a non passive-aggressive manner. In the example above, Albert would have been a much kinder manager if he had just been forthright with his questions about my work transparency. I would have been a better, kinder manager for Steve if I had followed that same advice.
When you promote someone or hire a new manager, make sure that they know the difference between being nice and being kind.
